Monday, January 2, 2012

new yr

Sitting in a dark room, thinking of making the greatest decisions was never this easy. I have put up with so much of issues in the past, hoping I would not have to go through it in 2012, but it seems, I am always surrounded by negativity. There was a time, where negativity helped me grow as an individual but, it came to a breaking point where I can no longer handle it and it has somewhat consumed me.

Should I make that change to make others happy, or should I make that decision that would make me happy? I am sick and tired of pain being represented in many forms, in the forms which I wished it did not. To be very honest, I am afraid to stand up for myself now. I feel weak and scared and living in constant fear and threats that would harm me and my life as I go by...

There was never a day which I never wished that things would get better, but I realized, it was only a wishful thinking. Nothing great is going to come out of it, especially when I am accused over and over and over for something I did not even commit. Yes, we all do mistakes. We are only humans, and humans do err. Life is very demanding and I can no longer go through with it.

Yes, I want to break free from this emotional impalement. I can no longer hide behind the tears of a clown. I am in a very confused state, thinking and pondering of what should I do about it. No alcohol or temporary happiness is going to make things go away. I am being judged for who I was, but not for who I am. No one understands my torment and no one can read my inner thoughts. I don't know if I believe in patience anymore, I don't know if I even believe in my own existence in this cruel World, that I walk on.

Adapting to nature is not an easy task, neither is putting on a smile, a mask, to hide from Society. I need an escape, an escape that would let me be a free soul, to do what makes me feel contented in what I do. I was a firm believer of not bowing down to another person's need, but I guess, its not easy being a King. I deserted my own Kingdom which I built from scratch for the happiness of the people around me, but there is no appreciation or gratitude. We all are born with a dream, a goal and I did too. Whatever I have worked for, or the mess I put myself into, as an individual, was never a beneficiary movement for my own gain, but for the people I love. But, look at me now....

If there is God, I would love to meet Him. I would probably even make an offer to Him, in which even He, cannot refuse. To be his slave in service, in return for Freedom from this Filthy Society. - Absinthe Diaries, DiamondFangs, 2012 -